I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
