I think i peed on brittanys purse
P.S. I can't hear my feet
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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