I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
