help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I have already put on my inside pants.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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