these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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