just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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