his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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