Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
