Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize