he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
