I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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