he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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