so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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