I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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