Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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