some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
