dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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