anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
