i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Drunk is not a location!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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