I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
