Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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