It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
