Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
