She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
