I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
