mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
