Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
