Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
