She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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