Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
