I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
