He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
