after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
