I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
