Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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