Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
