Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
