I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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