got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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