i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
