I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
