When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
