Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
