wrigley field is MILF paradise
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
