Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
