I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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