I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
