We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
