Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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