So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
