dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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