Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
