I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
