Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
