We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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