How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
