just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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