Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
